It's been one of those largely reflective days where you sit in bed with a strange bitterness lodged in your throat. Bitterness birthed from haunting questions, and injustice, and fear, and doubt, and loneliness.
I have come to call these days my graceless days.
These are the days when I'm just sick of feeling stuck while watching the lives around me take shape into something stable. It's the days that an endless loop of all the ways I have felt wronged runs on repeat in my head. It's my moments of entitlement, of self loathing, of defeat. My selfish beliefs that I deserve better than I have been given. When the growing pains seem too much to bear.
I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit on these days. To painfully remind me of the rubbish I am believing and to challenge me to step out of my apathy and feed myself something hearty.
Truth. And the truth is that I deserve what is fair for the sinful way I live my life. I deserve death and abandonment. I have been given life and adoption. And this life is rich. It is hard, yes, but oh, so richly seasoned with abundant blessings, joys, and sorrows.
So on days like these I'm thankful that I can cry out and be heard by my God.
Because there is abundant grace-- even on my graceless days.