We'll call this a little update from the last post. There have been some ups and downs since last time. One thing God graciously reminded me of was that although my despair and my pain came from within myself and the idols within my heart, he sees that pain and still called his Son to die for me. The Son didn't die because sin was his fault. Even though it was my own bringing, he still calls me my child. What greater love is that? For God in the flesh to take the pain of those who caused the pain? I couldn't ask for a better Savior.
I realized I was selfish. Yes, I already knew that but he hit me over the head with it this past Sunday. The depth of my sinfulness was obscured by the pain I felt and the pain I felt was just a mask for my selfishness and pride. I realize that beauty, approval, desirability, man--cannot bring me happiness and so I ask for something more, something more cosmically satisfying than that. God says, Look, here's my sacrifice, here's my Son. And I say, That's not enough! Heal me, now. Give me something more than you. It's not enough for my longing and lonely soul. And God says I approve of you because of my Son. And I say, that's not enough! Can't you approve of me because of me? Can't you desire me because of me? Heck, can you make someone on this earth to see my worth? It's not enough that you're in heaven. I need something tangible to believe. It hurts to much and I'm weary of telling myself that you see me and love me.
But here's the deal. God made a covenant, a promise, and he cannot break it. My name is graven on his hands and he will pursue me and he always wins. When I decide I want to give up, he doesn't. He calls me by name to his side. And he graciously reminds me that yes, He, the God who made everything, is enough. He reminds me in silly ways like in the movie The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Lucy, doubts her worth. She wants to be beautiful and desirable like her older sister and she is close to choosing what is evil in the world to try to fill that hole. Yet, Aslan comes to her and says to her that she "doubts her worth". And God told me the same thing at that moment. Who better to tell me than God himself that I'm worthy?
And yes, I was the one who scoffed at the cross. Yet, Jesus said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." And if he didn't come to me first, I would have never sought him out. I can't cry "Abba, Father" without him saying, "God, forgive them". And right now and I cry "Abba, Father!" Thank God for that!
He reminds me that he is that thing that I need to fill me up. That there is no one greater than him who can see the depths of my soul and love me this completely.
This is the Truth that resonates in my heart today:
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
I realized I was selfish. Yes, I already knew that but he hit me over the head with it this past Sunday. The depth of my sinfulness was obscured by the pain I felt and the pain I felt was just a mask for my selfishness and pride. I realize that beauty, approval, desirability, man--cannot bring me happiness and so I ask for something more, something more cosmically satisfying than that. God says, Look, here's my sacrifice, here's my Son. And I say, That's not enough! Heal me, now. Give me something more than you. It's not enough for my longing and lonely soul. And God says I approve of you because of my Son. And I say, that's not enough! Can't you approve of me because of me? Can't you desire me because of me? Heck, can you make someone on this earth to see my worth? It's not enough that you're in heaven. I need something tangible to believe. It hurts to much and I'm weary of telling myself that you see me and love me.
But here's the deal. God made a covenant, a promise, and he cannot break it. My name is graven on his hands and he will pursue me and he always wins. When I decide I want to give up, he doesn't. He calls me by name to his side. And he graciously reminds me that yes, He, the God who made everything, is enough. He reminds me in silly ways like in the movie The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Lucy, doubts her worth. She wants to be beautiful and desirable like her older sister and she is close to choosing what is evil in the world to try to fill that hole. Yet, Aslan comes to her and says to her that she "doubts her worth". And God told me the same thing at that moment. Who better to tell me than God himself that I'm worthy?
And yes, I was the one who scoffed at the cross. Yet, Jesus said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." And if he didn't come to me first, I would have never sought him out. I can't cry "Abba, Father" without him saying, "God, forgive them". And right now and I cry "Abba, Father!" Thank God for that!
He reminds me that he is that thing that I need to fill me up. That there is no one greater than him who can see the depths of my soul and love me this completely.
This is the Truth that resonates in my heart today:
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
Romans 5:6-11
-Anna
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