I realize you may not know my story. I hope that's okay. I hope these poems speak for themselves.
Whisper
We said farewell with a
whisper
My heart ardently appealing to
your heart
Pleading
As I chronicled before
watching eyes
All the ways your hands had
marred me.
How your delicate fingers
Had twisted in my flesh
The way your manicured nails
punctured
My face
Wood splintered across my back
Your feet against my ribs
My shaking hands pulling glass
from my scalp
Swollen
My blood dripping on the floor
A mess I'd soon pay for.
"Why can't you love
me?" my whisper ricocheted off the concrete walls-
You replied only with a gaze
Of hardened indifference.
And your eyes reflected the
truth
That I was nothing to you
But a troublesome mistake
That your love outgrew
We said goodbye on that
whisper
You exhaled and freed yourself
of me
I held my breath
Breathed in your hatred
And neglect
And swallowed you down deep
inside me
And on the outside I was
strong
My walls neatly built
Unbreakable
Fortress
Yet on the inside
Blackness seized my sight
And I was blind
Barely breathing
Frantically swimming
Through the flood conceived
By my unshed tears.
And my soul floated in the
darkness
Condemned to the shadows
Of the words your lips had
sown--
I was who you said I was.
A blemish
Without worth
Alone-
Ashamed-
Alone.
Undone
I’m coming undone.
My meticulously placed sutures are rupturing.
I’m afraid to expose what I’ve taken years learning to shut
away.
I smell of you beneath this well formed armor.
You’re still breathing in there.
Parasite
You’re eating me dry
And I want to kill you with my uncaged-
Rage
I want to reach in there and choke you the way you have
choked me
I want to rip you apart
I want to hear you whimper
Whisper
Beg me
Like I begged you to--
Stop
My ears are roaring
Alive with malice
Contempt
All the lessons of submission
Obedience
Fall away
I’m justifying myself with this hatred
Till I’m spent
And you have gorged yourself on my sin
I've mangled myself with my bitterness and deceit
Bloodied by my blindness
Whimpering
Whispering
I know I will never kill you this way
But the rage is electrifying
Momentarily.
Mother
Mother, you’re the orphan now.
Shut up in your three bedroom apartment-
Alone.
Abandoned permanently by the offspring of your womb.
I shamefully think you deserve this.
You did this to us, to our family-- to me.
You marred the love that should have bound us together.
You marred me,
Mother.
I hate you. For all the tears. And all the bothersome layers
Of hurt and filth that coat the insides of me.
I hate you--
Because there is no hurt big enough
No hole deep enough inside of me
To swallow up and bury deep
The love my heart feels,
Traitorously,
For you.
Mother.
I hate me.
I hate the softness of me-
For feeling pity
For your orphan spirit.
I hate that I long for you to know the love
That you so viciously denied me.
Mother. Mother.
Mama.
It does not seem fair that I should sit here contemplating
how
To share a greater love with you
You don’t deserve it--
Truthfully, neither did I.
But I was better than you, wasn’t I?
Was I?
Return
I’m ambling toward You
Defiled and infected—repulsive
I have nothing to offer but my list of sins against your
love
Your Light
I drag my hefty load of chains behind me
My sins are writhing inside me
Around me
Fighting to hold me back away from you
My body is branded with
Murder
I wasn’t better.
Downcast- I draw near
Involuntarily, I shudder at your searching gaze
You strip me bare with your loving stare
Your eyes bear witness to the self-inflicted lashes I wear
Self-righteousness
Pride
Idolatry
Adultery
Your hands work persistently
Touching all the despicable parts of me
Stripping, scraping, pulling, breaking
Wooing every part of me back into submission
I’m weary but I must make a choice
Your love or my justice
I fall into you
I am not too much
My dirt, my shame, my fears
I am not too much for you
My scars, my confusion, my tears
Never too much
Understanding dawns
As you swaddle me gently
In your cloak of grace.
-Mimi
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